late night musings - come thou fount

full day, full year, full life...

was inspired to come back to blogging after a 'little' break (of over a year, ha).
i would say that the post from last april is just as appropriate now as it was back then, except perhaps that i've learned a few things along the way, have taken a few missteps (or God-steps). and now have a better understanding of how gracious God really is. how much He really loves me, despite my tendency to wander and go off on tangents.

it's late, but i felt the urge to get the blog-ball rolling again. talked to a friend recently about faith/church/relationships/art - basically, all my favorite topics - and she said pointedly, 'you should blog!'

something in the way she said it stuck. and i felt that little nudge to revisit what i had written and write down my reflections once again. i have a personal journal that i've kept for years, where i record prayers, thoughts, verses, and vagaries, but it had been a while since i had read this blog. and it was great to read about the path that led me to l.a. i do wonder at times what led me leave nyc. it's a seemingly weird decision given all that nyc was to me.

a friend who dropped in town last week commented that i seemed far happier now than she had ever remembered seeing me before. that comment surprised me. but she's right. perhaps it has less to do with l.a. and more to do with what being here has done for me personally and spiritually. i feel closer to God. or rather, my devotion - my love, my sense of what is important - is clearer now than before, and hence, my capacity to truly 'enjoy' life and to be thankful has expanded.

that's the only way i can explain it.

something my pastor shared in his sermon today hit the mark: "the joy one finds in Jesus is far better than anything else this life can offer." i have tried to find joy without Jesus and it's always a dead end. always. i'm learning better to listen to my conscience...to pray, to read the Bible consistently and listen to God. it's not been a smooth journey - i find that the same tendency the Israelites had to compromise and idolize things in their surrounding culture, to wander and to disobey are those very things that have moved me to stray, but God has always been there, beckoning me back, showing me that His love for me is stronger than anything I do... it's been very humbling to come to terms with my limitations, my sin and my tendency to wander.

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love..." Come Thou Fount, Robert Robinson

but the more I see my sin, the more I recognize His grace and love that is far greater and deeper than I could have imagined.

God I commit my path to you. You are all I want and all I really need. Knowing you is the best gift I could have ever received; everything else is just bonus.

"Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above."

Let me sleep in peace tonight, knowing that you are watching over me. I pray that my love and devotion to you would never fade, but instead grow, day by day. I pray that no matter what the circumstance, no matter what happens, my heart would cling to you and cleave to you. I pray that I would abide in you and that your Holy Spirit would dwell within me, that I would be moved to want and do the things you desire for me to do...thank you for your love and the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I commit my heart, my soul, my life to you. Help me to be obedient - not only in word, but in thought and in deed.

Thank you, Jesus.

Love,
S.

wow, what a difference a year makes...

Hello, I just now am revisiting this site after leaving it dormant for...one year?!?

Not sure why I haven't felt the need to post until now, but let's say I've been in 'doing' mode more than 'reflecting' mode the past 12 months.

And life has certainly changed.

It's fascinating to be on this journey...of F.A.I.T.H. which a friend once told me stands for "A Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him." I would never have imagined I would be writing to you from Los Angeles, having left my 'high-powered' job and past in New York City - to come and live with my family and pursue a totally different career path.

It's been difficult, don't get me wrong. I'm still struggling daily with a sense of calling, and wondering where this will all lead; but I am glad. Glad to have been lifted out of the rut I was in while I was living in NyC. I mean, everything was great on "paper" but in reality, my heart and spirit felt all wrong - I knew I was living out a false self - too afraid to step out of the walls of achievement, status, etc. I had built around myself to see what might lie underneath.

Anyway, I won't go into too much detail here - but I am writing to say hello. Perhaps more to myself than to you, the reader.

Hello, and good. I love my life. It's filled with a different set of challenges than before. It's in some ways a lot harder. But I know this is where I am supposed to be.

Thank you, God. For being so faithful. For being with me and knowing me better than I know myself.

I have a deep hunger for truth, for living authentically, and out of a deeper identity in you, rather than what the world says is right. As a result, I'm moving down the ladder of achievement, but never have I felt more satisfied and fulfilled...

There are many more areas where I need to grow - ironically, the older I get, in some ways, the younger I feel - the more awed by how much there is to still learn.

Someone asked me the other day in a party setting, 'what do you aspire to be?' We all went around and said what it is we aspired to be...and I realized that what I aspired to be was something so completely at odds with anything that I had aspired to be in the past, I surprised even myself when I blurted out the answer.

It was more of an impulse comment, and I will leave it at that for now. But hopefully in the coming weeks and months it will all take shape and you will see yourself, reader (and me! lol) what this is all coming to be.

God, you are the creator and maker of all things good. I pray that I would be more obedient to you, loving, patient, filled with the fruits of the Spirit and FAITHFUL. Yes, Faithful. trusting in your plan.

God bless!

Courage and Calling

I bought this book at an InterVarsity Conference a long time ago and it collected dust for years. I tried to get rid of it to lighten the load before my move to L.A., but it inexplicably came with me since none of my friends or neighbors decided to take it off my hands. A few weeks ago, the book title popped into my head randomly and I dug it out of a box tucked away in storage. Recently, I opened up to a random page and started reading and felt CRAZILY HAPPY that this author seemed to get what I was going through and knew what I needed to hear...and He was Christian! As an aside, I love how God knows what you need to read, and will put things on your heart to look at - to the point where you just know, deep down, that it's a little love note from Him. So many things like that have happened to me over the years. I can't even begin to tell you. [Like the one time when I REALLY wanted a copy of the NYtimes (I can't remember why) and I was sitting in a cafe. I was praying at the time and just decided off the cuff, to mention that in my prayer. The next thing I know, a man heading out the door of the cafe, stops in his tracks, turns around 180 degrees, heads directly over to me on the other side of the cafe! and says, "Would you like a copy of this newspaper?" I kid you not. I started tearing up and getting emotional (He probably thought, whoa, crazy lady.) and I responded, "Why yes, I would." He gave me a big smile and said, "You have yourself a wonderful day." and walked out the door. I immediately started babbling a prayer of thanks to God. It was such a SMALL THING, but GOD TOTALLY spoke to me through that incident, showing me He that he was there, that He listens, even to the small, little details we lay before Him.]

Anyway, back to this book. This is one of those crazy incidents: having this book entitled, "Courage and Calling: Embracing Your God-given Potential" by Gordon Smith now in my hands. Without further ado, I will share a few short passages. I hope they are encouraging to you as well.


"When we think in terms of vocation and reject careerism, we can accept with grace that God will call us in ways that would confound people who think only in terms of getting ahead."

"Students of adult psychological development recognize that the transition from early to mid-adulthood is critical. It happens at different times for different people, but for most it begins in their mid-thirties. Regardless of when the transition comes, it must come. It is a point at which we move directly and intentionally into our vocation, understanding what our vocation is and accepting, indeed embracing, the call of God."

"It is probably fair to say that we do not really know ourselves until mid-life, which is why we cannot make the transition to mid-adulthood - full adulthood until this time....clarity for vocational purposes can only come after we have lived ourselves long enough, and this usually takes us into our mid-thirties...Then we have a decision to make, an inevitable decision: Will we respond to our vocation with focus, direction, purpose and courage?...

The decisions involved may be difficult. Many of us will have to say no as much as we say yes. If we are gifted in more than one way, then we need to discern and affirm what is most significant to us and what brings the fullest expression of our identity.

One of the critical concerns of these years of our lives will be the simple but profound question of whether we will be our own person, true to our conscience and identity, or whether we will sell our souls for the 'company.' Are you a 'company man' or 'company woman' or are you your own person? Are you willing to live by your own convictions and your own conscience, regardless of the implications, or will you believe only what the 'company' believes? Will you be you, or will you live by pretense, by an identity, conscience and belief structure that is not your own but merely one which you think will win you the acceptance of those in power?

Eventually we will be forced to face up to who we are and what we fear.

This crisis of identity is fundamentally a spiritual crisis. In terms of our faith development we are far enough along in life to know what matters to us and what our faith represents - a complete adult trust in God as reflected in our resolve to love God and others. If we face ourselves honestly, doubtlessly we will know that no matter how accomplished we are or how talented or capable or connected we might be, we are not really in control. Facing this and accepting it is fundamental to both our spiritual maturity and to our capacity to embrace our vocation....(vocation is not the same as career or role. We do not have to be gainfully employed to have a vocation.)"

There are many more amazing passages that spoke to my heart, but I guess you'll have to read the book yourself to get the entire picture. :)

Prop 8 and Christ

So, I just finished reading and commenting on a dear friend's blog (which you can read here) about the recent vote on Prop 8 in California. A lot of my friends expressed dismay and disappointment when the Proposition was passed last week, resulting in the upholding of the legal ban against gay marriage in California.

The issue of gay marriage and the gay rights is one that is going to be debated increasingly over the coming years. The issue has become heated, divisive and strongly contested in America. It's a huge issue within the church right now - the Episcopal church split over the issue of the ordination of a gay bishop, and many other churches, such as the United Methodist church are struggling over the issue of the ordination of gay pastors and similar issues that will affect people in the lgbt community.

I remember my first encounter with this issue arose when as a teenager I worked with a young, capable seminary student who helped lead students as part of the National Youth Ministry organization within the United Methodist church. He was a loving, devoted and highly capable leader and mentor to the youth group under his care, but when it came time for his ordination, the Board revoked his candidacy after he revealed that he was homosexual. When I found out, I was both saddened and disappointed to see this young man's dream of pursuing the ministry completely destroyed in that one moment. I have a number of friends who are gay, or who have come out of the closet since I knew them in college. I see them as loving, wonderful people who I am glad to call my friends. Acts which oppress, stigmatize, discriminate or exclude such people disturb and sadden me deeply. I have wrestled with the biblical view on this issue and the question, "what would Jesus do?" and I can only come to the conclusion that on the one hand, Christ and God make clear that homosexuality - the act of engaging in sexual acts with a partner of the same sex is sin. There is no if, ands or buts about that. However, and this is a big however, Jesus's response to people who sin (that would be everyone - regardless of who you are!) was to offer love, grace, acceptance and the desire to offer a new way of living. One that brings us out of bondage and into greater freedom. As difficult and unpopular as it is to state my views on this issue (particularly because I know that it is not one that is publicly or openly voiced - and I think that is a subject worthy of a whole other topic), I believe it is important to understand that it is one that cannot be hidden or watered down. I believe so strongly in the love of Christ and in his truth - and I believe that He loves us too much to let even our understanding of what is right or wrong stand in the way of the life He has to offer.

My own struggles and sins are different from those who are gay - but they are no less sinful. Believe me. In fact, I'm almost inclined to give a full account here - I struggle with issues of sexual purity, of materialism, of greed, selfishness, and ohhh so many more. I seriously am the last person to 'preach' about what is right and wrong. I am a singularly sinful person. Yet, I believe that the redemptive love Christ offers is far more than our minds and bodies can fathom. He lived a life of perfect holiness. And in doing so, and calling us to the same, he offered a completely different way of living, a way of being that calls us to something far greater, higher, more beautiful, freer, loving than we could EVER imagine. I've experienced glimpses, moments at my best hours of worship and prayer - but until I am on the other side of the grave, I don't know if I will ever fully comprehend what it means to live without sin and in the freedom that Christ offers through his salvation.

I say this because I believe that there are few people who are talking about this issue, really struggling with it in a way that I think reflects Christ's call to holiness on the hand, and love and acceptance of others on the other hand. I believe that God made it clear that marriage by definition is between a man and woman, and yes, that engaging in sexual relations with someone of the same sex is sin and will lead to spiritual death. There is just no way of getting around that. However, his invitation to a new kingdom was an invitation that no other thing can compare to...it is a call that requires us to lay down our lives for something and someone better. I am not sure how to articulate this any better than he did when he died on the cross for our sins. He died for the very people who killed him. And he did it because He loved us. That is the kind of sacrificial love he wants us to show to others. Impossible? Yes, perhaps, except that he showed us that he could do it and inspired generations with his message of love, forgiveness and grace. I think that call is no less for us - to love another and to love with a love that is completely contrary to the ways, the laws and the order of this world. A world which says a simple law is all that is needed to make others accepted, loved, and free. The laws of this world will grant rights, but they will never grant the true freedom that Christ has to offer. Does this mean that Prop 8 is right or wrong? Well, i believe that many silent, unnumbered people voted on the basis of their conscience - and that it may change - but I support those who voted yes on it, because I believe that marriage is what God defined and created it to be - between and man and a woman. A civil union, perhaps for gay couples, with all the same rights and responsibilities by law, but not marriage.

I speak on my conscience and just to say that I believe doing this is true, right and good. (See the verse above).

Why Education Stifles Creativity

I love this website, TED (Technology, Education and Design), which has videos of talks like this one, that are inspiring, thought-provoking, and even entertaining:

Ken Robinson on how "Schools Kills Creativity."

My secret dream...

to be Amy Poehler, doing this on SNL, for a living:

Kirk Cameron is a man of integrity...

An interview with Kirk Cameron on his new movie, Fireproof and his marriage: