late night musings - come thou fount

full day, full year, full life...

was inspired to come back to blogging after a 'little' break (of over a year, ha).
i would say that the post from last april is just as appropriate now as it was back then, except perhaps that i've learned a few things along the way, have taken a few missteps (or God-steps). and now have a better understanding of how gracious God really is. how much He really loves me, despite my tendency to wander and go off on tangents.

it's late, but i felt the urge to get the blog-ball rolling again. talked to a friend recently about faith/church/relationships/art - basically, all my favorite topics - and she said pointedly, 'you should blog!'

something in the way she said it stuck. and i felt that little nudge to revisit what i had written and write down my reflections once again. i have a personal journal that i've kept for years, where i record prayers, thoughts, verses, and vagaries, but it had been a while since i had read this blog. and it was great to read about the path that led me to l.a. i do wonder at times what led me leave nyc. it's a seemingly weird decision given all that nyc was to me.

a friend who dropped in town last week commented that i seemed far happier now than she had ever remembered seeing me before. that comment surprised me. but she's right. perhaps it has less to do with l.a. and more to do with what being here has done for me personally and spiritually. i feel closer to God. or rather, my devotion - my love, my sense of what is important - is clearer now than before, and hence, my capacity to truly 'enjoy' life and to be thankful has expanded.

that's the only way i can explain it.

something my pastor shared in his sermon today hit the mark: "the joy one finds in Jesus is far better than anything else this life can offer." i have tried to find joy without Jesus and it's always a dead end. always. i'm learning better to listen to my conscience...to pray, to read the Bible consistently and listen to God. it's not been a smooth journey - i find that the same tendency the Israelites had to compromise and idolize things in their surrounding culture, to wander and to disobey are those very things that have moved me to stray, but God has always been there, beckoning me back, showing me that His love for me is stronger than anything I do... it's been very humbling to come to terms with my limitations, my sin and my tendency to wander.

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love..." Come Thou Fount, Robert Robinson

but the more I see my sin, the more I recognize His grace and love that is far greater and deeper than I could have imagined.

God I commit my path to you. You are all I want and all I really need. Knowing you is the best gift I could have ever received; everything else is just bonus.

"Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above."

Let me sleep in peace tonight, knowing that you are watching over me. I pray that my love and devotion to you would never fade, but instead grow, day by day. I pray that no matter what the circumstance, no matter what happens, my heart would cling to you and cleave to you. I pray that I would abide in you and that your Holy Spirit would dwell within me, that I would be moved to want and do the things you desire for me to do...thank you for your love and the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I commit my heart, my soul, my life to you. Help me to be obedient - not only in word, but in thought and in deed.

Thank you, Jesus.

Love,
S.

wow, what a difference a year makes...

Hello, I just now am revisiting this site after leaving it dormant for...one year?!?

Not sure why I haven't felt the need to post until now, but let's say I've been in 'doing' mode more than 'reflecting' mode the past 12 months.

And life has certainly changed.

It's fascinating to be on this journey...of F.A.I.T.H. which a friend once told me stands for "A Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him." I would never have imagined I would be writing to you from Los Angeles, having left my 'high-powered' job and past in New York City - to come and live with my family and pursue a totally different career path.

It's been difficult, don't get me wrong. I'm still struggling daily with a sense of calling, and wondering where this will all lead; but I am glad. Glad to have been lifted out of the rut I was in while I was living in NyC. I mean, everything was great on "paper" but in reality, my heart and spirit felt all wrong - I knew I was living out a false self - too afraid to step out of the walls of achievement, status, etc. I had built around myself to see what might lie underneath.

Anyway, I won't go into too much detail here - but I am writing to say hello. Perhaps more to myself than to you, the reader.

Hello, and good. I love my life. It's filled with a different set of challenges than before. It's in some ways a lot harder. But I know this is where I am supposed to be.

Thank you, God. For being so faithful. For being with me and knowing me better than I know myself.

I have a deep hunger for truth, for living authentically, and out of a deeper identity in you, rather than what the world says is right. As a result, I'm moving down the ladder of achievement, but never have I felt more satisfied and fulfilled...

There are many more areas where I need to grow - ironically, the older I get, in some ways, the younger I feel - the more awed by how much there is to still learn.

Someone asked me the other day in a party setting, 'what do you aspire to be?' We all went around and said what it is we aspired to be...and I realized that what I aspired to be was something so completely at odds with anything that I had aspired to be in the past, I surprised even myself when I blurted out the answer.

It was more of an impulse comment, and I will leave it at that for now. But hopefully in the coming weeks and months it will all take shape and you will see yourself, reader (and me! lol) what this is all coming to be.

God, you are the creator and maker of all things good. I pray that I would be more obedient to you, loving, patient, filled with the fruits of the Spirit and FAITHFUL. Yes, Faithful. trusting in your plan.

God bless!

Courage and Calling

I bought this book at an InterVarsity Conference a long time ago and it collected dust for years. I tried to get rid of it to lighten the load before my move to L.A., but it inexplicably came with me since none of my friends or neighbors decided to take it off my hands. A few weeks ago, the book title popped into my head randomly and I dug it out of a box tucked away in storage. Recently, I opened up to a random page and started reading and felt CRAZILY HAPPY that this author seemed to get what I was going through and knew what I needed to hear...and He was Christian! As an aside, I love how God knows what you need to read, and will put things on your heart to look at - to the point where you just know, deep down, that it's a little love note from Him. So many things like that have happened to me over the years. I can't even begin to tell you. [Like the one time when I REALLY wanted a copy of the NYtimes (I can't remember why) and I was sitting in a cafe. I was praying at the time and just decided off the cuff, to mention that in my prayer. The next thing I know, a man heading out the door of the cafe, stops in his tracks, turns around 180 degrees, heads directly over to me on the other side of the cafe! and says, "Would you like a copy of this newspaper?" I kid you not. I started tearing up and getting emotional (He probably thought, whoa, crazy lady.) and I responded, "Why yes, I would." He gave me a big smile and said, "You have yourself a wonderful day." and walked out the door. I immediately started babbling a prayer of thanks to God. It was such a SMALL THING, but GOD TOTALLY spoke to me through that incident, showing me He that he was there, that He listens, even to the small, little details we lay before Him.]

Anyway, back to this book. This is one of those crazy incidents: having this book entitled, "Courage and Calling: Embracing Your God-given Potential" by Gordon Smith now in my hands. Without further ado, I will share a few short passages. I hope they are encouraging to you as well.


"When we think in terms of vocation and reject careerism, we can accept with grace that God will call us in ways that would confound people who think only in terms of getting ahead."

"Students of adult psychological development recognize that the transition from early to mid-adulthood is critical. It happens at different times for different people, but for most it begins in their mid-thirties. Regardless of when the transition comes, it must come. It is a point at which we move directly and intentionally into our vocation, understanding what our vocation is and accepting, indeed embracing, the call of God."

"It is probably fair to say that we do not really know ourselves until mid-life, which is why we cannot make the transition to mid-adulthood - full adulthood until this time....clarity for vocational purposes can only come after we have lived ourselves long enough, and this usually takes us into our mid-thirties...Then we have a decision to make, an inevitable decision: Will we respond to our vocation with focus, direction, purpose and courage?...

The decisions involved may be difficult. Many of us will have to say no as much as we say yes. If we are gifted in more than one way, then we need to discern and affirm what is most significant to us and what brings the fullest expression of our identity.

One of the critical concerns of these years of our lives will be the simple but profound question of whether we will be our own person, true to our conscience and identity, or whether we will sell our souls for the 'company.' Are you a 'company man' or 'company woman' or are you your own person? Are you willing to live by your own convictions and your own conscience, regardless of the implications, or will you believe only what the 'company' believes? Will you be you, or will you live by pretense, by an identity, conscience and belief structure that is not your own but merely one which you think will win you the acceptance of those in power?

Eventually we will be forced to face up to who we are and what we fear.

This crisis of identity is fundamentally a spiritual crisis. In terms of our faith development we are far enough along in life to know what matters to us and what our faith represents - a complete adult trust in God as reflected in our resolve to love God and others. If we face ourselves honestly, doubtlessly we will know that no matter how accomplished we are or how talented or capable or connected we might be, we are not really in control. Facing this and accepting it is fundamental to both our spiritual maturity and to our capacity to embrace our vocation....(vocation is not the same as career or role. We do not have to be gainfully employed to have a vocation.)"

There are many more amazing passages that spoke to my heart, but I guess you'll have to read the book yourself to get the entire picture. :)

Prop 8 and Christ

So, I just finished reading and commenting on a dear friend's blog (which you can read here) about the recent vote on Prop 8 in California. A lot of my friends expressed dismay and disappointment when the Proposition was passed last week, resulting in the upholding of the legal ban against gay marriage in California.

The issue of gay marriage and the gay rights is one that is going to be debated increasingly over the coming years. The issue has become heated, divisive and strongly contested in America. It's a huge issue within the church right now - the Episcopal church split over the issue of the ordination of a gay bishop, and many other churches, such as the United Methodist church are struggling over the issue of the ordination of gay pastors and similar issues that will affect people in the lgbt community.

I remember my first encounter with this issue arose when as a teenager I worked with a young, capable seminary student who helped lead students as part of the National Youth Ministry organization within the United Methodist church. He was a loving, devoted and highly capable leader and mentor to the youth group under his care, but when it came time for his ordination, the Board revoked his candidacy after he revealed that he was homosexual. When I found out, I was both saddened and disappointed to see this young man's dream of pursuing the ministry completely destroyed in that one moment. I have a number of friends who are gay, or who have come out of the closet since I knew them in college. I see them as loving, wonderful people who I am glad to call my friends. Acts which oppress, stigmatize, discriminate or exclude such people disturb and sadden me deeply. I have wrestled with the biblical view on this issue and the question, "what would Jesus do?" and I can only come to the conclusion that on the one hand, Christ and God make clear that homosexuality - the act of engaging in sexual acts with a partner of the same sex is sin. There is no if, ands or buts about that. However, and this is a big however, Jesus's response to people who sin (that would be everyone - regardless of who you are!) was to offer love, grace, acceptance and the desire to offer a new way of living. One that brings us out of bondage and into greater freedom. As difficult and unpopular as it is to state my views on this issue (particularly because I know that it is not one that is publicly or openly voiced - and I think that is a subject worthy of a whole other topic), I believe it is important to understand that it is one that cannot be hidden or watered down. I believe so strongly in the love of Christ and in his truth - and I believe that He loves us too much to let even our understanding of what is right or wrong stand in the way of the life He has to offer.

My own struggles and sins are different from those who are gay - but they are no less sinful. Believe me. In fact, I'm almost inclined to give a full account here - I struggle with issues of sexual purity, of materialism, of greed, selfishness, and ohhh so many more. I seriously am the last person to 'preach' about what is right and wrong. I am a singularly sinful person. Yet, I believe that the redemptive love Christ offers is far more than our minds and bodies can fathom. He lived a life of perfect holiness. And in doing so, and calling us to the same, he offered a completely different way of living, a way of being that calls us to something far greater, higher, more beautiful, freer, loving than we could EVER imagine. I've experienced glimpses, moments at my best hours of worship and prayer - but until I am on the other side of the grave, I don't know if I will ever fully comprehend what it means to live without sin and in the freedom that Christ offers through his salvation.

I say this because I believe that there are few people who are talking about this issue, really struggling with it in a way that I think reflects Christ's call to holiness on the hand, and love and acceptance of others on the other hand. I believe that God made it clear that marriage by definition is between a man and woman, and yes, that engaging in sexual relations with someone of the same sex is sin and will lead to spiritual death. There is just no way of getting around that. However, his invitation to a new kingdom was an invitation that no other thing can compare to...it is a call that requires us to lay down our lives for something and someone better. I am not sure how to articulate this any better than he did when he died on the cross for our sins. He died for the very people who killed him. And he did it because He loved us. That is the kind of sacrificial love he wants us to show to others. Impossible? Yes, perhaps, except that he showed us that he could do it and inspired generations with his message of love, forgiveness and grace. I think that call is no less for us - to love another and to love with a love that is completely contrary to the ways, the laws and the order of this world. A world which says a simple law is all that is needed to make others accepted, loved, and free. The laws of this world will grant rights, but they will never grant the true freedom that Christ has to offer. Does this mean that Prop 8 is right or wrong? Well, i believe that many silent, unnumbered people voted on the basis of their conscience - and that it may change - but I support those who voted yes on it, because I believe that marriage is what God defined and created it to be - between and man and a woman. A civil union, perhaps for gay couples, with all the same rights and responsibilities by law, but not marriage.

I speak on my conscience and just to say that I believe doing this is true, right and good. (See the verse above).

Why Education Stifles Creativity

I love this website, TED (Technology, Education and Design), which has videos of talks like this one, that are inspiring, thought-provoking, and even entertaining:

Ken Robinson on how "Schools Kills Creativity."

My secret dream...

to be Amy Poehler, doing this on SNL, for a living:

Kirk Cameron is a man of integrity...

An interview with Kirk Cameron on his new movie, Fireproof and his marriage:

New York to L.A.

View Larger Map

(Map of my cross country road trip September 30 - October 7th)

I'm currently on the road - following what I believe is God's leading and a long period of waiting...from New York City to my new home - in Los Angeles.

The past week has been a blur - I spent much of it packing, cleaning, moving out and selling and giving away my furniture. It was a whirlwind - as long as I had waited for this time to come - when it did, I barely had time to take it all in and realize what was happening.

So...! Here I am in Colorado - taking a short breather after days and hours of endless driving from New York City. I can't believe how much land has been traversed - especially as I look at the map and see just how far away from New York City I am at this moment. I knew, once I made the decision to go to my parents' place in L.A. that I needed to drive home. There was just no other way. I have taken numerous plane trips the past year - but I knew that I needed to get in a car. Not exactly sure why...perhaps it was motivated in part by my need to process, take-in and appreciate my last moments of alone-time before time with my family and...the dissertation. But also I think I felt a need to to come to a place where I am driving both literally and figuratively - in the driver's seat. Over the years I have had a recurring dream in which I am in the backseat of a car being driven by my parents or even my sister. I would wake up and realize that this is how I have felt in the way I have conducted my life thus far - a passenger in someone else's car. In the dream, as in real life, I wasn't making decisions or 'driving' out of my heart or mind or body - but I was passively being taken where my parents or family might lead. The dream disturbed and troubled me - in thinking it over and reflecting on the decisions I've made in the past, I've come to appreciate and realize that I need to start taking ownership of my decisions and life in general - with God's leading of course - but well, this is all still new to me and I'm processing it still as I go along. Let's just say, it felt like a sneeze that needed to be sneezed.

Regarding the road trip - as romantic as the idea seemed and does seem now - I realize that driving and traveling is hard work. I have a new appreciation for truckers and people who drive long distances for a living. It's not easy - in fact, it's truly exhausting and brain-numbing. My high-falutin' romantic notions of driving cross-country have been brought down a notch or two, but I still know this is the right way to get West. It's not nearly as nitty and gritty as the pioneers experienced it, but pretty gritty in it's own 21st century way. Honestly, it feels like a battle of sorts - a battle with my own stamina, my mind and the elements around me. I can't help but think it's a battle that I must fight - and who knows? Perhaps it's building in me an appreciation of the strength, perseverance, determination and mettle that will be required of me once I arrive at my intended destination...we shall see.

I like this quote...

"Find the things that stir your affections for Christ and saturate your life in them. Find the things that rob you of that affection and walk away from them. That’s the Christian life as easy as I can explain it for you."

Yes, amen.

Um, Was God Talkin' to Me?

So, I came home from work today and started going through the internet to find job listings. Anything. Something. High and Low. (and I mean High and well, mostly very Low!) hehe.

Then I decided I needed to stop and pray. I went to my room, sat on my bed, and asked God to speak to me through His word (i.e., the Bible). I wasn't sure what I was expecting to find, but I decided I needed to ask for His help before doing anything foolish.

Well, strangely, I opened to Jeremiah and came upon Chapter 31. My eyes kind of went buggy when I got to this passage: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears for your work will be rewarded," declares the Lord. "They will return from the land of the enemy, So there is hope for your future," declares the Lord.

and then onwards. Then, "Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take. Return, O Virgin Israel, return to your towns. How long will you wander, O unfaithful daughter? The Lord will create a new thing on earth -- a woman will surround a man."

Oh...my...goodness.

Sorry for the (benign) neglect

Hello everyone (er, or just mom and maybe sis, and most likely, just myself..haha)!

Nice to be back. Sorry to be away for so long. I've been a little preoccupied of late as I've contemplated a few major and notso major things, such as (it's useful here to remind myself - 'cause I can't even remember what I had for breakfast this morning):

1) A career shift - as in MAJOR - as in - what the heck was I thinking when I signed on for years of academia and books and pretention? (sorry, ok, I promise this is going to be rated PG and nice here on out).

2) What is the ultimate goal/end of human (my/our/your) existence? I am haunted by the words of a former boss and mentor who I met in my first job out of college. He was the partner of a law firm and after years of slaving away and getting to the top - he told me he was quitting and that he had 'spent his whole life climbing up a ladder, only to realize it was the wrong ladder.' I remember he had a rough year - but it had shaken him out of the status quo and I'd like to imagine he found his true life's calling...in what, I never did find out, but we did stay in touch for a number of years after I left the firm and I always admired him deeply - he struck me as a kind, sincere and deep soul - a bit out of place in that stuffy firm.

3) What is the balance between patience and long-suffering - and well, selling out?
I am thinking of Joseph and many of the 'greats' in the Bible who endured years in prison, and other various circumstances and did not complain one peep. They knew God had a purpose and plan for their lives even though circumstances did not seem to look too promising. They simply waited it out - stuck it through - sucked it up. On the other hand, maybe abiding with some circumstance is the WRONG thing to do - if it's simply - wrong. I am currently back in a job that I feel is killing me inside (er, PG - figuratively speaking) - I have been looking for other jobs, but no doors are opening as of yet. A friend advised that I "take a leap of faith" and quit - and that if I did so - doors would open up. That would all be fine and good, except that i have a humongous rent bill that needs to get paid until the end of August. So I'm looking to August to make the big leap. But what if part of the reason I want to leave is because I feel that what I am doing is ultimately serving a 'bad' than a 'good'? (i.e., Nazi regime under Hitler comes to mind). Does one simply do as one's told in the job and stick it out until the opportunity arises to leave - or does one leave? I've been so tempted to walk out almost every day the past few weeks. It's so strange. But then again it could be Aunt Bessie (pms).

Ok, that's a mouthful already - maybe I'll leave it at that for now. I guess they weren't minor things after all. In fact, the stuff I've been mulling over the past few months are all - pretty major.

Yes, time for some changes. I just don't know how, or when or wherefore or...what. I'm sincerely praying God will open up the doors, lay low the mountains and have sweet mercy on me....

KaiserCartel

I love this and I love them.

Fashion 911

A friend of mine just started a blog on women's fashion tips - do's and dont's - based mainly on the major dont's - she's seen on the streets. Yes, there were numerous times recently when I saw her face go slack in horror as we were walking down the street - she would point to something someone was wearing and ask, "why?" I always thought she was kinda joking - who knew that it was actually the beginning of a wonderful foray into a hilariously entertaining and informative blog? I highly recommend it. You can check it out, NYC fashion 101.

Why I like the Flu

So...I finally caught what everyone else seems to have caught the past few months - the flu. It sucks, no doubt. But one nice thing about being sick is that you have an excuse to lay on your back and watch movies...which is exactly what I have been doing the past few evenings. (Sorry big D - the new name I've given my fickle boyfriend, the dissertation).

Two titles that jumped out at me on the DVD rack - Shopgirl and Juno. Won't bore you with an analysis of my reading of the movies, but let's just say it's uncanny how two totally different characters in each of these movies made me feel more like me. Or rather, reminded me of me...and they both dealt with issues that I've struggled with...such as:: oohhh time for personal revelation to cyberspace stalkers:: a) healing from a past relationship that totally is reflected in Shopgirl - except that the characters are all a lot nicer and have more integrity in the movie than in real life. b) that endless search for the real deal - check! - which i still believe exists in the shape of a soul mate. c) the idea of being quirky.spunky.different.real which is why I liked Juno - her character - so much. She just *is* and it's so refreshing to watch.

Btw, does it say something that Allison Janney the actress who plays Juno's stepmom in the movie is one of my alltime favorite actresses - mainly because she often plays who she really is (see West Wing for a good dose) - which at a gut level - I just darn LIKE and am - and aspire to be...smart, real, hardnosed - but soft deep down with a confidence and edge that throws you off guard and makes you smile at the same time...difficult to put into words.

Anyway, let's just say being sick and watching movies (like these) really ain't all that bad.

Autistic girl with a special gift

Just saw this story online and wanted to share - it's inspiring and uplifting...something she says in the audio clip really resonated with me - that each person has, deep within his/her soul a unique gift that is unlike any other (something along these lines) - and even if it may not be obvious to everyone else - it's there....Her words carry unusual insight and weight. And what she shares is true, so very true.

L.A. Confidential: If Beckham Did It Why Can't I?

Recently, strangely, God has put it on my heart to consider moving to L.A. for at least a few months to spend time with my family (I am due to be an auntie again in May!) - and spend focused time on the dissertation...

My mom called me several months ago for a heart to heart and expressed, through tears, her wish for me to come and spend time with her and dad, my sister, my nephew and bro-in-law...I felt sad, but knew at the time that I couldn't do it then. Now, however, it's become a real possibility - especially as I consider my desire to spend more time with my nephew and my family, generally...

I watched a short film last night at the International Arts Movement space (IAM.org) called "The Wormhole" which moved me tremendously. Produced by a woman who goes to my church, Sidney. I watched it and during one particularly poignant scene, my sister came to mind very strongly - how much I miss her and love her...

Anyway, I would NEVER have considered moving from New York City before - and had bemoaned my parents' move to L.A. (I mean, c'mon - how many Koreans do you know from California?!) but I guess it's a testimony that God can change hearts and attitudes towards things you would never imagine...

We'll see what actually happens - still processing the idea, but let's just say, it's a bit uncanny how often L.A. and it's awesomeness (um, is that a word?) has come up recently...i.e., reasons to move to L.A. Here are the top 5-10:

1) To spend time with my family who I miss very much.
2) LUKAS - I love the little man! i.e., my nephew.
3) I spoke at length with my sister during Xmas about our shared dream to record music together...and being closer together would make that more likely!
4) New nephew on the way. Yay!
5) Ok, these are probably not as meaningful, but my fears of there being a lack of culture were slightly allayed by news of Dudamel's taking over the conductorship of the L.A. Symphony Orchestra! (see post below).
6) Just saw a segment about a soccer camp started by David Beckham now playing for the L.A. team (cool!)
7) The weather.
8) Beaches.
9) Might be able to do things without distraction - finish up the big D, write music, explore the arts scene, without all the intimidation of the NYC scene.
10) They do have sushi...

Um. Well, there may be better reasons to list - but those seem to work for now.

To be continued...

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken

I love this song. We sang it in church today and I have been looking for a recorded version that is the same as the version we sang during the service today - the closest thing I found was this video on youtube:



As I sang along with the video God moved in my heart - I was filled with a joyful-sorrow, a longing and hope that only God really knows. Who can explain why Christ shows us so much in the midst of pain and sorrow? But I wouldn't trade my relationship with Him for anything else.

Jesus, I my cross have taken
by Henry Francis Lyte

Jesus, I my cross have taken, all to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken, Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition, all I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still mine own.

Let the world despise and leave me, they have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me; Thou art not, like them, untrue.
And while Thou shalt smile upon me, God of wisdom, love and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me, show Thy face and all is bright.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure! Come, disaster, scorn and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure; with Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee, “Abba, Father”; I have set my heart on Thee:
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather, all must work for good to me.

Man may trouble and distress me, 'twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me; heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, 'tis not in grief to harm me while Thy love is left to me;
Oh, 'twere not in joy to charm me, were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Take, my soul, thy full salvation; rise o'er sin, and fear, and care;
Joy to find in every station something still to do or bear:
Think what Spirit dwells within thee; what a Father's smile is thine;
What a Savior died to win thee, child of heaven, shouldst thou repine?

Haste then on from grace to glory, armed by faith, and winged by prayer,
Heaven's eternal day's before thee, God's own hand shall guide thee there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission, swift shall pass thy pilgrim days;
Hope soon change to glad fruition, faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Mountains Beyond Mountains

The title of a book that I am reading about Dr. Paul Farmer - a doctor who started a rural health clinic in Haiti several decades ago and has since established health clinics for the poor all over the world...I was told by a friend that this book would be lifechanging, but for some reason, assumed that this meant because she was a doctor - it probably applied more to her than to someone like me. However, now having gotten about half-way thru it, I realize that this is much more than a story about a doctor - it's a story about someone extraordinary; and more so because of his integrity, commitment, dedication and sense of outrage at the things that make people sick, hungry and poor. I can't quite articulate right now what this book is doing to me on the inside, but there are some profound changes going on - especially with regard to how and why I go about making choices about my life and career in the way that I do...it's a fine line between seeking one's own glory and desiring God's. Honestly, I know many who profess belief in Christ (myself included) who often pursue certain paths for their own comfort, security and well-being rather than seeking that for others as for themselves...rather than serving God. This is the ultimate, singular question and issue that I've been wrestling with recently - the question of seeking God's glory rather than my own - wondering whether my choices are really about serving Him or pursuing my own agenda. I have to say, at critical junctures, God has pierced my heart with an awareness of the injustices that exist in this world and has given me a desire to do something about it...but along the way, it's hard not to get distracted by 'shiny' objects. The objects of success, approval in other's eyes, status, importance, achievement, money.

In Paul Farmer's life and work - as narrated in Tracy Kidder's book, Mountains Beyond Mountains, I have gotten a glimpse of someone who has a pure heart - one who is driven to serve the poor because he cares. It's absolutely disturbing and amazing - it makes me want to get up, pray and go. Where, I'm not quite sure - but sitting in an office writing policy papers becomes a lot less meaningful when I see that the real work of building God's kingdom is rooted in an incarnational love for others - particularly for those who the world has deemed less important or even worth ignoring altogether....The most meaningful times in my life, looking back, have been those where I was doing something completely menial in service to a community...teaching inner city kids in New Haven, working as the Director of the US Grant Foundation during college; volunteering at the Bowery Mission for the homeless; talking to refugees and displaced civilians in northern Uganda. These moments were the most meaningful - not because of what I did, but what I came to see in the faces of people who knew what it meant to suffer and yet hoped and lived in dignity despite their circumstances. I never felt more fulfilled than when I was in community, serving, loving, helping others, being helped myself.

Lord, help me. I know this is what I want to do with my life - I picture myself back in Africa perhaps or maybe even in an urban slum - who knows - but I know that living a life of complacency is what I dread most.

The photo above is of a child cured of TB by Paul Farmer in Haiti. The book does a wonderful job illustrating the real care and love this man has for everyone he meets.

This video, shows a clip of a speech he gave at Xavier University in Ohio.

Hope his example proves inspiring to you as it did for me and countless others.

Gustavo Dudamel

see the uplifting 60 minutes interview here.

...wow

William Fitzsimmons.