to Chicago, aka, Chi-town. Or, notoriously, Chi-tonw (famous for a tattoo given to a man with the wrong spelling who is now suing the artist).
I have to be honest. Chicago has not impressed me the few times I have been here in the past several months. It must be the spoiled, cosmopolitan new-yorker in me, but everything moves slower, the wind is colder, the air is darker, the buildings are not as impressive...I dunno. One and a half days it's been, and I want to go back to the Big Apple already. (Of course, it's only been a little over a day! and there are a few friends I will be seeing - could make all the difference.)
But the numerous things that went wrong on the way didn't help either. Bad weather in Chicago caused numerous flight cancellations and delays. I got to the airport extra early, paid a hefty $50 to get to JFK by cab, only to find that my 8pm flight was now pushed to 11pm. I arrived into O'Hare around 1am and decided to take public transportation to my hotel across town at Midway airport (to save money, of course). Background note: I had, several weeks prior, bought a two-night's stay on Priceline, thinking I might find a good deal, but somehow accidentally clicked on "Midway" airport area as an option and got stuck staying at a hotel totally out of the way and non-refundable/non-transferrable to boot. I take the train from O'Hare to the center of town and find the lines to Midway all closed. I am forced to shell out another $30 for a cab to the airport from downtown. I arrive at the Marriot and they tell me that it's totally booked - I am transferred to another hotel (a bit lower in quality) and collapse after 3am, totally exhausted...
Today was another long day, not too bad, but not too good either. I don't know what it is about the travels, but this has not been smooth sailing by any means. So many little things have gone wrong, that it all seems too much to be mere coincidence. Maybe God is telling me I belong back in New York, or that I need to unlearn my New York sensibilities...
I made a conscious decision to make this trip to Chicago - while ostensibly for work - a spiritual retreat as well. Brought my bible, brought my journal (which I tend to write in highly inconsistently) and decided to be intentional about prayer, meditation and reflection and time with the Lord. I think it started out great on the way from New York to Chicago. Wrote in my journal at the airport, prayed, felt God speaking to me and reminding me of things He had shared long ago. Even before falling asleep last night, I managed to read some verses in Proverbs (sobering) and pray for a while, before drifting off to sleep. It felt intense, it felt like something I needed to do...not sure why.
Anyway, I woke up (not quite refreshed) this morning and went downtown to the conference site, where I had to last minute chair and act as a discussant for a panel. This was or seemed like side stuff - the conference/panel/networking deal is all surreal. I feel like a part of me is there, but a lot of me wonders (as I do whenever I am surrounded in large meetings with a lot vibes exuding self-importance and vanity, where I hardly know the people on a personal level) whether all of this is really pleasing to God...(or is this thought an excuse for looking heavenward so I can avoid concrete realities of everyday life?) In any case, I have been thinking a lot about what God may be teaching me about myself, my relationships and the things happening in my life at this particular season or time. Cliche as it sounds, I want to turn over a new leaf. I feel like now is the time...to recommit my decisions, my life and focus on Him and His purposes. To let go of whatever is hindering me in my walk with Him and to make Christ first.
It's hard though - (and not to be the drama queen) but I feel a little bit like those poor Israelites in the desert, right after leaving Egypt...my Chicago...? my New York? Many years go by before they reach Canaan, the Promised Land. When will I arrive? Who and where are my fellow Israelites? Do I have the heart and mind and faith to receive "the good things He has prepared for those who love Him"?
I want to have the faith, the trust that God will lead - that I would be able to simply follow and obey.
Help me have the faith that can move mountains, God. Help me to believe in your power to do anything when we ask in Your name and call on the name of Jesus.
Help me not to be lukewarm or half-hearted, but fully committed to living out my life in devotion to you.
Help me to be a light and a servant; to make myself less so that you can become more.
I want you to be the center of my life, Lord.
The center.
Maybe that's what I've learned the last few days...How strange and paradoxical it is - but maybe setbacks have a way of moving you forward.
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